Hello friends of
internet-land. Firstly I would like to apologise for my lack of
digital presence. It has indeed been around 8 months of dwelling,
self loathing and if I may be so bold as to mention I also released
my ramblings onto the digital medium that is Kindle store. I now make
my return to where it all began. The holy church of the Beardless
Messiah.
So you thought it
would be a good Idea?
The last year was somewhat a
monumental disaster of sorts but dependent on your mind set it can be
seen as quite amusing and certainly an improvement on two years ago!
Take January 2014 for example, two years ago. Some may say I had a dark start to last year but the year before was far worse. At about 10:30pm
on the 27th
January 2014, I stood on a bridge, full of Captain Morgans finest. I
remember thinking to myself now this is going to be a good idea. You
see I was going through a kind of “Cobain” stage. I couldn't get
hold of a shotgun though, as cash generators in Walsall, don't really
cut a prophet dealing arms. So I seriously thought about things and
came to the conclusion, a bridge jump into the canal would be a
wizard idea! Now, as you can
probably guess, my attempt (as half arsed as it now seems) failed
miserably. As I regress back to the moment, I realize I failed for
two reasons. One, I only jumped from 18 feet. Two, I jumped ass
first. I remember thinking to myself, there are only two possible
outcomes to this situation. I will either die and be found by a
tramp, then subsequently become his life spooning partner after he
has stolen my shoes (this is genuinely why I removed my shoes first!
In all of this I didn't want a homeless guy stealing them!) great to
see I prioritize but I have always had a thing about people wearing
my shoes. The second possible outcome will be, A failed attempt and
this will hurt like absolute hell. I will tell you without delay. The
second option was the winner and it wouldn't have taken a Monty Hall
paradox expert to see that coming. The thing that I did not count on,
whilst standing on the bridge edge, just about to jump, for some
reason, singing Hall & Oates – Out of touch. Yet again not sure
why, I just bloody love Hall & Oates. The thing I absolutely did
not count on was what, at that point would be my final thought. Now
when people do something stupid like this, because let's be honest it
is dumb. People ask the same question. “What was he thinking?” I
will answer that question now, the moment, the second I stepped off
that bloody bridge and started to fall, that little bloody voice in
my head, that we all have. Simply said. “You've changed your mind
haven't you?” the answer to that question was “Yes, but you could
have told me that before I jumped to prat!” Allow me to tell you
this, if you've jumped already, changing your mind is kind of a
pointless thing. I suppose you are thinking now, well it's ok, you
can just swim out! Well yes! If I hadn't been a 29 year old, who
can't swim (I didn't learn, because I am scared of piranhas!) The
overall outcome was a bruised ego, what I thought was a broken ass or
as I so eloquently put it at the time, my ass has gone all
Christopher Reeves. I also broke my leg, which was and always has
been incidentally screwed, now it's even worse. Most of the time I
walk like a leper with a loose leg.
I
think the most important lesson I have learned is simply this, life
is precious and short enough as it is. So don't jump of a bridge and
break your ass! If you do make rash decisions, make light of them
when you come through them. You will come through them, life may be
contaminated with faecal matter sometimes but smile! It could be
worse, you could be related to Justin Bieber.
