The How to Guide For the Socially Awkward Part 3

               This my guide for the socially awkward for speaking to the opposite sex and how not to be in a relationship, I think I should initially say I don't see my self as some form of Casanova. In fact quite the opposite, more a Tosanova. I am awkward, I say things that when said in my head sound great and quirky. For instance.
"That dress is unique, you look like a fat Batman with breasts"
Apparently this is in no way funny to any woman and especially if they are slightly crazy. My brother once said something similar to his wife and he got hit in the face with an Xbox Console. It wasn't the 360 either. oh no! It was the original Xbox. I mean that made him look even more like shrek. I think we should go to the very beginning and work on the approach.

               Ok, so you see a woman/man that takes your eye and you want to make an initial engagement. So you now make the interaction but you have two options here. The smile or the wave. In my opinion the smile can be a mistake and you can look very weird if the prospective other person fails to make eye contact. People see you smiling in to space and you just look a little bit rapey. A rapey smiley can do a lot of damage so probably go for the wave. You now have waving options. do you go for a casual sort of Hey. wave? or do you go all out and perform the sanitarium wave. you know the one from the beginning of family fortunes. If you are lucky enough that the wave comes back then you can let out a normal, not to over enthusiastic smile. 


              Some time later you may see this person again in a corridor or standing in a pub, maybe you could approach. Time to say something charming. but STOP there is a difference between. "Sorry, you look familiar, do I know you?" and "You're giving me a lift home tonight princess" the first is normal, the second is just more than a fraction odd and 9 times out of 10 will make you look like a crazy person. Whilst in conversation, eye contact is something to think about, but don't stare directly into their eyes! That's weird. You will just look like you are trying to hypnotize them and people get a bit scared of starers. 

              Now chat up lines. Just do not even bother. I mean especially of you are socially inept. They just cause upset and will offend any person you say them too. Even a stupid jovial one like
“You are almost as beautiful as my sister. But well, you know, that’s illegal."
Things like this said to a woman, cause one thing the flick and walk, every woman has mastered the flick and walk. 

              So having mastered all of this and beyond all reason like me you manage to have a female lady in your life. You have to maintain the relationship. Get used to certain things be prepared to sleep very uncomfortably for the remainder of your life. Be prepared to of what is known as 'Tickly Head" where the woman takes your hand places it on her hair and growls until you play with her hair. Always remember that a compliment goes a long way and even though she is plotting your demise for at least 8 of her 10 waking hours, she will refrain from this if you are just a bit less of a dick. To finish this piece I have compiled a list of 5 things not to do to keep your relationship safe.

1. Do not put your toes in your partners nostrils whilst the are relaxing.
2. Do not compare their genitalia to an ex partner.
3. Never suggest a salad to a woman...they get tetchy about this.
4. Never imply that her monthly 5 day mood swing is in anyway related to her 'experiencing of technical difficulties.'
5. During an argument never stop, hold her boobs and squeeze whilst honking.

This was The How to Guide For The Socially Awkward on Relationships....Next time. It's Holidays

The How To Guide For The Socially Awkward Part 2

          The second part in my pointless series of nonsense is another how to guide. This time I take a look at the socially awkward event that is the art of socializing and conversation. In my opinion this is one of the most difficult yet supposedly natural things to undertake. I myself am a great fan of talking in fact it is one of my only skills. Letting me start talking is the worst decision since the BBC offered Jimmy Saville his own show! I mean I could give an Pain killer a headache. Saying that put me in a room with 30 strangers and give it half an hour at least 28 of them will want to kill for for saying something inappropriate.

          I think firstly we should take a look at introductions. The most important part. We are in a room full of people that we feel we must mingle with and impress, but take into account on any usual day these people are just the morons that we avoid like they have Ebola. So initially when somebody approaches and extends a hand, Do not panic! This is a crucial moment and they are just after an initial ice-breaker as it's the common thing. There was one occasion where I was narcotically challenged when somebody extended the hand of welcome and my response, due to my paranoid state was to take a sort of crouching tiger hidden dragon pose. In my defence I thought he was trying to punch me in slow motion. So now we have established that the handshake is a friendly gesture and not reduced speed kung fu, We are to meet their hand with ours. But BE CAREFUL! This could get weird. You certainly don't want to shake the hand and look like you are softened by the tender touch and always give a right leg up-swipe before the shake, shaking hands with a hand the feels like a trifle with fingers is never a pleasant experience.

        Now you have broken the first barrier, It is time to begin conversation. the person will say something like "Hi, I'm Jeff" all you have to respond with is simple. "Hi my name is....." greeting done right? Well not if you are socially awkward. Some of us like to break the second step with a POW!! We instantly think, Now is the time to give myself the nickname I always wanted at work and then respond with.
"Hey, I'm Rob...But my friends call me Dragon Lord" This in itself poses only two possible outcomes.

Scenario One, Person says "Great to meet you and leaves abruptly only to warn everybody else at the party that you are mentally impaired."

Scenario Two, Person Says "That's cool, how did you get that nickname?"

I mean you have just called yourself dragon lord and believe me, the answer "Because I am the lord of dragons" Just gets you back to scenario one! So avoid the nickname introduction unless you keep a lot of bearded dragons (had I been quicker on my feet, I may have used the bearded dragon excuse.)
Now if you are lucky enough to have made it to the all important level three, The conversation. You have to be on your guard, if your not your brain will mess with you. for instance, this tried and tested technique, 100% absolutely never works. If your prospective new chum pulls out a picture of his/her children and tells you about them and you happen to have children too, then perfect common ground right? Well yes... Unless you have a messed up sense of humour. Do not under any circumstance pull out a picture of your two children and wait for the obvious, following due politeness question.
"what are their names?"
please do not answer that question with this.
"I don't know, they aren't mine. They are just two kids playing in a paddling pool. I was walking past a house and I just took the photograph."
People have such a guarded sense of humour nowadays, in my opinion the Yew Tree investigation ruined sick jokes for us all and destroyed ice breakers for ever.

If the person turns out to be intolerably boring on the other hand and you find yourself wanting out like an Austrian in a basement. Then in it is your time to decide whether you go the polite route, which in my opinion never works, you know the "Well, I have to get going" and you always get "Oh well just drink this other drink and listen to me babble on about how much I love sellotape" in response.
Now is the time to come into your own, All you have to do is use my method of getting away from a boring idiot. Simply use this.
"Oh you love sellotape? You know what I love most? Night time, It's when I come alive most. You see I feel ready to tell you this now. I am a vampire, I'm 137 years old and I am looking for somebody to paint the immortal coil with," Smile in their direction and watch a piece of them die inside as they seemingly start to believe you are clinically insane. If on the off chance he/she laughs it off, seal the deal by really getting into character. Move into dark corners and his at strangers wearing crosses, if all these things fail, grab a slice of garlic bread from the buffet, take a bite and pretend that your insides are melting.

Shorty after this your new 'friend' will have disappeared inside a minute and you will be home free. If he/she sticks around then you may find they aren't as boring as you initially imagined, either that or they are more deranged than anybody could possibly conceive.

This has been my how to guide for the socially awkward and part three will be on relationships.