This my guide for the socially awkward for speaking to the opposite sex and how not to be in a relationship, I think I should initially say I don't see my self as some form of Casanova. In fact quite the opposite, more a Tosanova. I am awkward, I say things that when said in my head sound great and quirky. For instance.
"That dress is unique, you look like a fat Batman with breasts"
Apparently this is in no way funny to any woman and especially if they are slightly crazy. My brother once said something similar to his wife and he got hit in the face with an Xbox Console. It wasn't the 360 either. oh no! It was the original Xbox. I mean that made him look even more like shrek. I think we should go to the very beginning and work on the approach.
Ok, so you see a woman/man that takes your eye and you want to make an initial engagement. So you now make the interaction but you have two options here. The smile or the wave. In my opinion the smile can be a mistake and you can look very weird if the prospective other person fails to make eye contact. People see you smiling in to space and you just look a little bit rapey. A rapey smiley can do a lot of damage so probably go for the wave. You now have waving options. do you go for a casual sort of Hey. wave? or do you go all out and perform the sanitarium wave. you know the one from the beginning of family fortunes. If you are lucky enough that the wave comes back then you can let out a normal, not to over enthusiastic smile.
Some time later you may see this person again in a corridor or standing in a pub, maybe you could approach. Time to say something charming. but STOP there is a difference between. "Sorry, you look familiar, do I know you?" and "You're giving me a lift home tonight princess" the first is normal, the second is just more than a fraction odd and 9 times out of 10 will make you look like a crazy person. Whilst in conversation, eye contact is something to think about, but don't stare directly into their eyes! That's weird. You will just look like you are trying to hypnotize them and people get a bit scared of starers.
Now chat up lines. Just do not even bother. I mean especially of you are socially inept. They just cause upset and will offend any person you say them too. Even a stupid jovial one like
“You are almost as beautiful as my sister. But well, you know, that’s illegal."
Things like this said to a woman, cause one thing the flick and walk, every woman has mastered the flick and walk.
So having mastered all of this and beyond all reason like me you manage to have a female lady in your life. You have to maintain the relationship. Get used to certain things be prepared to sleep very uncomfortably for the remainder of your life. Be prepared to of what is known as 'Tickly Head" where the woman takes your hand places it on her hair and growls until you play with her hair. Always remember that a compliment goes a long way and even though she is plotting your demise for at least 8 of her 10 waking hours, she will refrain from this if you are just a bit less of a dick. To finish this piece I have compiled a list of 5 things not to do to keep your relationship safe.
- Do not put your toes in your partners nostrils whilst the are relaxing.
- Do not compare their genitalia to an ex partner.
- Never suggest a salad to a woman...they get tetchy about this.
- Never imply that her monthly 5 day mood swing is in anyway related to her 'experiencing of technical difficulties.'
- During an argument never stop, hold her boobs and squeeze whilst honking.
This was The How to Guide For The Socially Awkward on Relationships....Next time. It's Holidays
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