The How to Guide For the Socially Awkward Part 5

             We have all experienced conflict in our time, whether it be with your partner or with a dopey cleft on the phone that can only speak in an indecipherable dialect. Arguing is a sore part of life that always has cause and effect. Lets look at what really happens shall we.


               When it comes to a relationship, an argument is a totally different kettle of fish. Let us primarily establish a point. There is only one valid side to an argument and that held by a XX chromosome. No matter how right you may think you are men, we are not. It doesn't really stop there though. The process is as such. You put your point across, for instance.
"You slept with somebody, whilst drunk! How could you?"
the response chain follows a specific pattern.
"I know, but I was very drunk and not thinking. Can't we get past this?"
At this point the response would obviously be "No!"
but then comes the killer.
"Do you not realise? I did it because of you! You never do things for me and the first time I make a mistake, I have to deal with the same question over and over again! This is why I slept with him"
You all of a sudden start questioning your initial statement and your judgement and eventually come around to thinking Ah, Maybe it was me, then you make the statement, a statement that is universally known  as the dynamite response, You light the dynamite and say.
"I see what you mean. I understand" now you are only half way through your sentence and BOOM!!!
"You are only saying that because you know you've done something wrong and want to shut me up!"
before you realise it the dynamite has gone off in your hand and you now look! Gary Oldman in Hannibal.
When you look back at this situation you can really learn from it, well some of us can. I am generally an irritating person so most of the things I say make my girlfriend want to poison my food.

             A common cause for arguments in modern relationship is that rather taboo subject. No not backdoor romance. Sex. That's right I said it! how uncouth of me. Now a man when attracted to a woman will probably want to perform the art of love making on a regular basis, I think it's hard wired into our DNA. It's not the same for a woman, they would much rather watch call the midwife and believe me when a woman watches call the midwife, I personally guarantee there will be no libido after that, you have more chance of urinating in somebodies pocket and convincing them it's raining. So when a man tries three tactics to entice a woman, he just aggravates her. The three tactics are as follows.

1. Trying to casually touch a private area whilst spooning.
2. Establishing the more passionate (Is it naughty time) goodnight kiss.
3. Finally the winky stab, Basically you jab away and hope she notices. For the record, she has noticed but and if you continue to do this, you will get the penance stare.

Avoid all of the above and that is going to save about 2 hours of arguments per week. I think though although these are completely none essential arguments, there are times when an argument is called for. These times are during phone calls to the lonely planet that is call centers.

From the moment we pick up the phone it takes 30 second to go from calm to fury. Firstly you have to find the person you want to talk to by pressing numerous keys and what really sets off a Michael Douglas style break down is the 'Please say what you are calling about' I got this option once and a computerized voice states.

"Please say the reason you are calling us today"

to which my response was clear and concise "Customer Service" after 30 minutes of hearing robot moron telling asking me.

"So you want to pay your bill?" and me screaming at the phone I eventually reached customer service to find I was 48th in the cue. 

Being the man I am I would not hang up! I stayed on the line. I had even forgotten why the hell I called but now I was in vendetta mode! When it came to actually speaking to a person and I got the usual.

"Thank you for calling TalkTalk my name is Gareth how can I help?" now take into account there was no clarity in what he actually said. This man sounded like a deaf person with  a mouth full of peanut butter. My Response was filled with complete nonsense and utter anger. 

"Oh, so you want to help do you? Well you can start by getting me a supervisor!" I said with an angered intent. The response was the norm.

"Well sir, I am Gareth and I am the supervisor of this desk, so how can I assist you?"

This is about how I continued, I will be honest because I was angry basically none of this was why I was calling.

"Let me tell you something, God of the desk! I have been on the phone for 40 minutes and by the way you will be reimbursing me for this call." I was interrupted.

"Sir, you have called an 0800 number so this call is free."

I continued, "Don't interrupt me with your smart arse comments! the amount of time I have been on hold is besides the point! My phone keeps on cutting off and the signal is useless. You are the most disgusting company on the planet and as an ambassador for them, you should be disgusted." now I drop the British favourite.

"I, my friend, will be writing a very detailed letter the consumer rights. I will make sure I mention you by name and I will not miss out any detail. Also whilst I am here I would like to let you know that the phone you have provided me with is absolutely useless, yet again that's no surprise given the rest of the service I receive from you lot!"

Another interruption. "Sir, I can see that from your account you have a Samsung Galaxy, we are TalkTalk not samsung."

I was infuriated by his correctness. "Don't you come at me with your semantics and witty remarks, you imbecile. I want you to do something about this and I want it done now! I cannot believe a company as established as your selves would employ mentally insufficient morons, like you Gareth. Whilst I am at it. Tell me why I have been to unsucessfully make phone calls from this pile of crap phone to know avail?"

Gareth and his sarcastic response..."Sir I can see that you are on the phone now, to me"

I was not impressed.

"Yes, well, yes that's not my point is it, you are the operator. I know what you are  trying to do! You are trying to snake your way out of this phone call in anyway your badly rehearsed script allows. Well no more" By this point I had started to make grand statements that made me sound like a drunk, failed Shakespearean actor. I continued.

"No More! I tell you. This situation my friend is one of easy resolution and I want you to resolve it or forever may your children be cursed." At this point, Gather got a little fed up and hung up on me....Man was I fueled by this. Now I wont drag this out but after I had repeated the same conversation once more. This time with a man called Darwin (I am not kidding) and wasted almost 2 hours on the phone. I finally remember that I had needed to speak to technical support and not customer service but I really enjoyed turning 50 shades of purple.

The How to Guide for the Socially Awkward

       

          As some may have guessed I am not a stand out, fits into societies norms kind of guy. In fact I am terrifically awkward. So I have decided to compile a series of how to manage in seemingly normal situations that the awkward among us may appreciate.

Riding A Bus

       Now I know you are already thinking what a pile of nonsense, do read on. Getting on a bus is possibly one of the most awkward scenarios for a socially challenged person, There is a thought process involved that challenges the mind at every turn. First and foremost you are presented with waiting for the bus. Now do you sit down? Well this depends on who is already sitting down. If for instance seated and hunched smelling of stale urine is a nervous looking pensioner. You may only sit dependent on how you are dressed. If you are heading to town in a pair of comfortable trousers and a hooded top. BEWARE! This lady has only 3 pleasures in life, Tea, Meals on Wheels and Crimewatch. Trust me when I say the moment you sit, old Mildred will then clutch to her back as if it contained the last of the rationed butter in 1941. Now dependent on your location you have to mind your surroundings. In my local area we have people that encroach upon our bus stops. They are unidentifiable, They are seemingly you and extremely Caucasian at first glance but when they speak, oh boy! They talk about bears and blood an awful lot. It's beyond me and they have a fetish for stabbing people up! I believe we should have these humans eradicated possibly some new strain of myxomatosis and let them wipe each other out. 

      A new conundrum awaits with the arrival of the bus, providing you are already waiting for it. I personally guarantee if you are not you will miss it. How do I know? Well as soon as you start to run for the bus the driver spots you in the worlds biggest mirror. Waits for you to almost make it and think, this time I have you. He will then proceed to close the doors and move the bus 4 inches from the platform, looking at you only to gesture that he cannot open the doors as he has pulled out already. Bus drivers the world over. You will pay for this. One day your bus will break down and you will require assistance. I will approach you as if to help, tell you I know the problem and then kick you in the shins before I walk away smiling.  Anyway, now the bus has arrived and you are being British and doing what every good Brit does, You have formed a queue. Hold on a moment there is a swarm of morons just pushing there way on to the bus. You deal with this in the appropriate way. The only way there is. You tut! you tut at each and every one of them.

      So you make it on to your rush hour bus but you are now faced with the ultimate in problems you have to sit next to a person. This is a choice that should not be just rushed into. This person is going to be your companion for what could be the entire journey. Never and I mean never sit next to the person wearing the Bluetooth headset, he will be a loud, obnoxious idiot who wants to announce his enormous success to the whole bus, my friend here is a PTT (a Public Transport Tosser) avoid at all costs. Also I may add DO NOT sit next to the attractive girl, She is more than likely going to start doing her makeup and will get very elbow unfriendly. The most important person to avoid on a bus is the person who looks like he is talking on the phone but in fact, he does not own a phone. He is clinically insane and believe me when I say this, There is one on every bus and he IS the reason people put bags on the seat next to them. My suggestion look for the person who is sitting on the outside seat with a carrier bag or two. They will be getting off soon and you can enjoy your journey.

     If I may add at this point after 9pm do not sit at the back of the bus. Once somebody asked me for a lighter and then took out a spoon. I know it was Birmingham but that was a little bit too much. Finally under absolutely no circumstance get on a bus with an angry looking driver. He will drive like an insane person, open his doors only to swear at other drivers and stop at every other stop to read his bloody newspaper.

That was my guide to riding a bus.   

Eccentricity is the key to life

         

          As I have mentioned in a previous blog my father was always a very eccentric being, if I was to be completely honest my dad is a Slartibartfast kind of strange, but never fails to amuse me. This said I think all great people are slightly odd are they not? Take Nikolai Tesla for example, remarkable man, yet completely bonkers. I think my dad takes odd to brand new levels and the harder I think the more out there he seemed. Lets get into a little more detail about my father, as I have already mentioned his throwback 70's look, I feel that I should mention my dad has been married 6 times and every time he mentions his marriages I await his repeat line.
"oh yes, I've had 6 successful marriages."
Saying that some of the things he does still leave me rolling with laughter the minute he has left the room. You can more or less guarantee certain things with my dad. One of these things is that every single time he visits the first conversation starts exactly the same way.
"If I won the lottery..."
He has subsequently finished this sentence with the following things

• I would buy a massive farm (my dad has the agricultural experience of an agoraphobic withe extreme hay fever.)
• I'd buy 3 houses and rent two of them out. (only if he has watched some kind of relocation TV show)
• I would have all gold teeth. (I loved this one because honestly imagine Leo Sayer with golden pegs)
• I'd make a film, not a porn film. I'm too old for that. but an art film like the shawshank redemption.
• I'd buy Tesco and that would show them

Now that last one requires some explaining. Another stigma my dad has is when he first discovered email he started emailing every complaint about everything to everybody. He once emailed the television show Dr Who and started the conversation dear Dr Who! then went on to ask if he ever considered carrying an actual screwdriver because of the issues he had with wood and his electronic device. He went into varied detail and even explained how to get a damaged screw out. The one day on my fathers journey through the information super highway he showed me an email he wrote and I just thought I would share that email with you now.

to: customer.service@tesco.co.uk

Subject: I thought every little helped?

Dear Tesco,
                I have been a customer of yours now for many years and I have always found you to be reasonable but as of late I have found you are no longer as customer driven as you once were. I have been buying your home brand teabags for a great deal of time and I was absolutely disgusted to realize that you have reduced the quantity from 18 to 16. I now lose two cups of tea for every 16 pence I spend. I demand an answer otherwise I will be shopping at Morrison's in future. Although they only offer 14 tea bags for the same price it is a question of taking the moral high ground.
Kindest Regards
Steve (blanked out) 

PS I have recently noticed your chicken nuggets have also shrunk in size is this a farming issue and will they return to normal size soon?

Now this is 100% real and serious. My dad was so disgusted that he did not get a reply that he has boycotted Tesco for 3 years! He still talks about this now and his disgust and is still planning a petition! only because he has now found a website you can build petitions on. 

I have found that the internet has only encouraged my father in his ongoing eccentricity and god help me he has already discovered online dating! need I say more. The section that says Tell us more about you he took to mean exactly that.

Tell us more about you.

Well my name is Steve, I was born in a small town outside of Birmingham called Great Barr. It was a wonderful place to grow up and as children we used to play out until all hours in the morning it was that safe. Lately though it has become very rough. You couldn't go out after dark now for fear of being touched up or mugged. When I was 15 we moved to another part of Great Barr because my dad got a new job which almost doubled his wages but he used to make me work with him on weekends and I didn't like that. It set me up for the real world though. When I was 18 I got married the first time (I've been married 6 times in total and all successful) we moved into a wonderful home, it needed some work, which I undertook myself and I also built a porch, So we could put the shoes in it. It was nice. In fact it was a lot nicer than the house I live in now although I am decorating at the moment. There was a sale on at Wilkinson and I only paid 2 quid for the paper. so I thought that's cheap and brought all of it even though I only needed 4 rolls. So if you need any Blue Liney wall paper let me know. I drive a car and I have never ran anybody over or had a serious accident so you can tell I am responsible. When all my mates were drink driving when I was younger I didn't join in but also I loved by the pub so I didn't have to drive. If you have any questions just send me a message. I am nice and not a killer or a vegetarian.

This was quite possibly the best thing I had ever seen anywhere on the internet and on that note I say dad! I salute you and your oddness!