The Things That Haunt Us

                Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, It really isn't nonsense you know, I will tell you what it actually is! It's a word my father used to use as a get out of giving me pocket money clause. He used to add it to his silent fine print after I washed the car and mowed the lawn, he would then ask me to spell this out. I would never be able to and now one father pocketing my pocket money. Before I go to far, I don't want you to think this is me having daddy issues, I am getting to the point but as some of you know it takes me a while. 

              My pocket money was so valuable to me, growing up in the 90's we had things that were then the most amazing items a child could own. I for one remember my earliest obsession was the 1994 Merlin Premier League sticker collection. remarkably I hate football now, call me nuts but it all just seems too much effort. I mean there is picking a team to support, If I had to pick a team I would base it solely on there team emblem, Sounds nuts right. Manchester United - The Red Devil, an all powerful, mythological man, capable of remarkable things. Norwich - A Canary, lives in a cage and is distracted by it's own reflection in a mirror. Point proven? then you have to buy a shirt, learn songs, which incidentally I haven't had to do since my 'Give me oil in my lamp' of 1992. But the stickers they were a thing of playground excitement throughout the school. This is the only time in your life that coolness is based on the size of your visible pile. Every day was a day of dealing in the corner, striking deals for shiny stickers with your go to guy, but this was soon to become a thing drowned by the popularity of somethings else..

For those of you that don't know these are Pogs. that's right a large round spray pained circle of wonder. Pogs were absolutely amazing. I mean apart from the worlds least creative name (which I later discovered stood for Passion-fruit, Orange & Guava) and was named after a Hawaiian juice. I was torn to pieces, almost as much as when the green ranger left power rangers... Was I meant to say spoiler alert? anyway these bad boys sucked my pocket money like George Michael in a public toilet. I suppose in reality whilst I am typing this, I realise how obsessive Pogs actually were, I mean I ran Pog circles in the play ground. Imagine if you will bare knuckle boxing but with very angry children and in Matthew Whitehouse's cases very emotional (he got very teary when he lost in a game of winner takes the slammer) This got stopped by the crazy dinner ladies and before we knew it our Pog phase was done. 

We needed something new to carry us into high school. What would it be? Then it appeared. It wasn't something new, it was something old, yet remarkably improved but somehow still as shite......

This was it. It was back and this time it was all about the tricks baby, It was show time. There were days when we had 20 or 30 of the finest Yo'ers around practicing. I Had worked so hard rocking cradles and walking the dog. I, in my own head was a yoyo master. I knew what to do. I organised a Yo-yo competition and the teachers lapped it up. They gave us the hall and even offered to judge. I had just one week to prepare, so I developed a strict training regime. I even drank a raw egg and went for a run the day of the competition. Well, that helped Rocky win. 

The competition finally came and I was on stage, people cheering with every trick, one by one I could feel the room electrifying, it was time for my grand finale. Trouble was I hadn't practiced a grand finale but felt confident enough to go for the 'Around The World' trick. I down motioned fiercely, the YoYo started to spin and I yelled "Shall we go around the world?" the whole room cheered as i motioned forward. the Yoyo spun once, twice and thr...Oh fu... The yoyo at this point could take no more strain, still spinning and flashing L.E.D lights detached itself in the exact direction of Ms Gaton. 

Three days later, after ms Gaton had returned to work as the bruising around her nose and eyes had started to ease, We all had an assembly, in which we were told that YoYo's we now banned. This made me quite unpopular for a week or so but this was nearing the end of 1999 so I started spreading viscous rumours to the more docile kids about how the world would end and they would catch the millennium bug. After that the other kids just focused on crazy apocalypse Adam and friends and before I knew it the 90's were over and pocket money no longer existed. Unless I got a job......  

Oh and it took me three hours of repeating but I got my pocket money every week when I learned to spell Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, may be an evil word but it got me my pogs.

So You Caught The Gay?

Ok, so we are all a little judgemental at times, some more than others after doing a heart felt in depth rant yesterday I thought I'd continue with a more relaxed jovial piece today. So as I said yesterday, we are a planet of people who like to judge others. So I thought I'd try and educate you a little on the truth behind gay people.

Firstly and probably most importantly. Being gay is not a disease!  You cannot catch 'the gay' if a gay person sneezes in your general direction.  This also applies to sharing cups. But if you find your self fancying a bum, you were probably born gay and have just been hiding in the closet with Aslan and friends.

Lesbians are like normal people!  Cue shocked face! They don't all like gold sovereign rings and darts. I am even sure if one said to another that they look pretty they are just paying a compliment in a friendly way and not planning a buffet down in the secret garden.

Gay people do like musicals but so do most straight people. Especially men! I for one am a straight man and enjoy nothing more than a night of Jesus Christ superstar, at times I even sing along.

Gay people are not judged by God. Do you want to know why? Because God doesn't exist! And if he did I am pretty sure he'd love nothing more than a night down the district.  The Bible says that being gay is wrong. Let me ask you. If you believe that the bible is real, did you happen to apply to hogwarts at any point in your life, because let me tell you. Harry Potter is far more believable than the bible.

Lesbians don't look like men! Ok some do but let's face it, some men spend so much time doing their hair, they may as well be a woman. In actual fact some of the most stunning people I know are Lesbian!

So let us all embrace the campness life has to offer. Live free and fun and more importantly become hardened to the ignorant opinions of others. Be proud of who you are and embrace life. Put on some Abba and dance like a fool around your living room.   

Finally. If you're out and about and you meet a gay don't worry they probably, almost definitely don't want to turn you! If they shake your hand they aren't using special gay code for "Hey, fancy a Dutch rudder?" It's just how they say hello, mainly based on the fact they are just like you and me!

Secure preference doesn't define a person. How we treat others defines a person.

This short and what may be pointless piece is for somebody who is inspiring and always smiling. Thank you for always listening to my nonsense and being a fan of the beardless messiah.

Never Fake a Fatal Illness

So we all get ourselves into sticky situations sometimes right? As you have probably guessed this happened to me a fair amount of times of the last 30 years. It isn't as if I go looking for trouble. Sometimes I have an honest heart and then all of a sudden a metaphorical bomb hits me and my sense of morality was thrown in the bin.

I have obviously been in many pickles throughout my life and I am talking about general life difficulty now, rather than my life and its series of unfortunate events. When I think about difficulties I really just think about one time. November 2005, I was 20 years old, fresh faced and cocky, in a relationship and just moved into a new house. Trouble was I couldn't really afford this house on my salary and really needed a second Job.

At this time in my life I was a chef and not a bad one, just catering didn't pay too well and I was terrible with finances. I knew I needed a second job but I had one of those moments where I stopped and thought, I know! I will get a job in IT, Basically because my dad thought I was a computer genius due to the fact I could copy and paste without using a mouse. So I decided it was high time I brushed up my CV to include some of my other acquired skills (I had literally just that moment acquired them)I embellished and polished some turds here and there and deleted every catering job, consequently replacing them all with mid-profile IT jobs at low end businesses. I distributed my CV to a few requestees on the job centre website and sat tight with disillusioned hope.

About 3 weeks later, to my absolute disbelief I had managed to pull off an interview. A letter sat waiting for me upon my return from the restaurant, it was from south Staffordshire water inviting me for an interview! This was it I thought! No more kitchen crap for me. Over the coming days, only having 5 to prepare, I prepared myself, practicing answering questions. I even brought a brand new suit and before I knew it the big day had arrived.

I remember the day so clearly and for reasons that will become obvious quite soon. I recall the smell of urine and weed on the bus and the sweat on my palms, before I knew it I was in a waiting room ready to be seen but feeling pretty calm at this point. I was called into the interview room, it was a large office quite dark and sitting opposite me were 3 sour faced middle aged gentlemen who infused fear and faeces together, pushed them up into my stomach along with my testicle and one grunted sit.

Now as far as my recollection to this goes the first 15 minutes of the interview went swimmingly, I remember saying to myself at one point.

“keep calm and don't mess this up and you've got this job”

All of a sudden a bomb shell and I am not talking a small bombshell, I am talking an A-Bomb falling directly onto my crotch! It started with this question.

“Tell us about ASP. NET”

Now the problem lay within. I had absolutely no chuffing idea what he was talking about. Now most people in this situation have only two options. Option one, Answer honestly that you don't know and hope for the best or alternatively, option two, make up an answer and hope for the best. Now I think even you yourselves can know that instantly I decided on option two but, do you know how we all have that little voice inside our head? Now do not get this voice confused with the one that told Ted Bundy to start collecting hammers. I am talking about that reasonable voice that offers little words of wisdom in our greatest times of need. Well my friendly voice, decided to poke in his big fat nose right as I was about to make up an answer.

“Psst, OI! Rob. It's me your rational side” I heard it say

my internal monologue responded

“What? It's kind of a bad time!”

it had no interest in how bad a time it was it proceeded

“Well, you know how you are thinking about making up an answer?”

“Yes” I excitedly said back

“Well, I have a third option, because if you make up an answer, you're going to look like an ass!” it said proudly

“Ok...let's hear it”

“Well, I want you to fake a stroke! You remember the advert”

now I remember thinking what an awful idea, but unfortunately whether or not I thought it was a bad idea or not I had already started to slur my speech, drool and allow my arm to start to fall. Oh my Christ!! What am I doing I thought! Trouble was I had started so I had to complete now. Think back to the advert.

F that was face, check. A That was arm, S that was speech. I started to slur and drool a little just to add some conviction. T oh crap, what was t. Then again that bloody voice.

“T throw yourself on the floor”

The next thing I knew, I was in the back on an ambulance, The interview panel were following behind. I had got myself into some situations but I am in an ambulance, pretending to be catatonic and it's quite difficult because at the moment I am being poked and prodded by two paramedics. When we arrived at the hospital I was subject to an array of tests and I had no shortage of support from what now seemed to be my best friends the interview panel and I needed to get out of here. Surely this has to be slightly illegal I remember deliberating. I had to pick my moment perfectly whilst still trying to fake having some weird sort of locked in syndrome but in reality, I still had a little panic in case these guys were just with me to see if I knew the answer to the question.

Two hours later, yes that's right I lay there for two hours! There was just one left. I heard the magic words.

“I am going to have a cigarette, but I will be right back”

He finally left the room, as quickly as I could I scooped up my shoes and darted for an exit. I ran like the wind, I ran and ran with a feeling of guilt and exhilaration. I finally found myself walk in the front door where upon I was asked just one question.

“Well, How did it go?” Lisa asked full of enthusiasm

the only response I gave was

“I didn't get it, I think I was over-qualified to be honest”

The How to Guide for the Socially Awkward

       

          As some may have guessed I am not a stand out, fits into societies norms kind of guy. In fact I am terrifically awkward. So I have decided to compile a series of how to manage in seemingly normal situations that the awkward among us may appreciate.

Riding A Bus

       Now I know you are already thinking what a pile of nonsense, do read on. Getting on a bus is possibly one of the most awkward scenarios for a socially challenged person, There is a thought process involved that challenges the mind at every turn. First and foremost you are presented with waiting for the bus. Now do you sit down? Well this depends on who is already sitting down. If for instance seated and hunched smelling of stale urine is a nervous looking pensioner. You may only sit dependent on how you are dressed. If you are heading to town in a pair of comfortable trousers and a hooded top. BEWARE! This lady has only 3 pleasures in life, Tea, Meals on Wheels and Crimewatch. Trust me when I say the moment you sit, old Mildred will then clutch to her back as if it contained the last of the rationed butter in 1941. Now dependent on your location you have to mind your surroundings. In my local area we have people that encroach upon our bus stops. They are unidentifiable, They are seemingly you and extremely Caucasian at first glance but when they speak, oh boy! They talk about bears and blood an awful lot. It's beyond me and they have a fetish for stabbing people up! I believe we should have these humans eradicated possibly some new strain of myxomatosis and let them wipe each other out. 

      A new conundrum awaits with the arrival of the bus, providing you are already waiting for it. I personally guarantee if you are not you will miss it. How do I know? Well as soon as you start to run for the bus the driver spots you in the worlds biggest mirror. Waits for you to almost make it and think, this time I have you. He will then proceed to close the doors and move the bus 4 inches from the platform, looking at you only to gesture that he cannot open the doors as he has pulled out already. Bus drivers the world over. You will pay for this. One day your bus will break down and you will require assistance. I will approach you as if to help, tell you I know the problem and then kick you in the shins before I walk away smiling.  Anyway, now the bus has arrived and you are being British and doing what every good Brit does, You have formed a queue. Hold on a moment there is a swarm of morons just pushing there way on to the bus. You deal with this in the appropriate way. The only way there is. You tut! you tut at each and every one of them.

      So you make it on to your rush hour bus but you are now faced with the ultimate in problems you have to sit next to a person. This is a choice that should not be just rushed into. This person is going to be your companion for what could be the entire journey. Never and I mean never sit next to the person wearing the Bluetooth headset, he will be a loud, obnoxious idiot who wants to announce his enormous success to the whole bus, my friend here is a PTT (a Public Transport Tosser) avoid at all costs. Also I may add DO NOT sit next to the attractive girl, She is more than likely going to start doing her makeup and will get very elbow unfriendly. The most important person to avoid on a bus is the person who looks like he is talking on the phone but in fact, he does not own a phone. He is clinically insane and believe me when I say this, There is one on every bus and he IS the reason people put bags on the seat next to them. My suggestion look for the person who is sitting on the outside seat with a carrier bag or two. They will be getting off soon and you can enjoy your journey.

     If I may add at this point after 9pm do not sit at the back of the bus. Once somebody asked me for a lighter and then took out a spoon. I know it was Birmingham but that was a little bit too much. Finally under absolutely no circumstance get on a bus with an angry looking driver. He will drive like an insane person, open his doors only to swear at other drivers and stop at every other stop to read his bloody newspaper.

That was my guide to riding a bus.   

Eccentricity is the key to life

         

          As I have mentioned in a previous blog my father was always a very eccentric being, if I was to be completely honest my dad is a Slartibartfast kind of strange, but never fails to amuse me. This said I think all great people are slightly odd are they not? Take Nikolai Tesla for example, remarkable man, yet completely bonkers. I think my dad takes odd to brand new levels and the harder I think the more out there he seemed. Lets get into a little more detail about my father, as I have already mentioned his throwback 70's look, I feel that I should mention my dad has been married 6 times and every time he mentions his marriages I await his repeat line.
"oh yes, I've had 6 successful marriages."
Saying that some of the things he does still leave me rolling with laughter the minute he has left the room. You can more or less guarantee certain things with my dad. One of these things is that every single time he visits the first conversation starts exactly the same way.
"If I won the lottery..."
He has subsequently finished this sentence with the following things

• I would buy a massive farm (my dad has the agricultural experience of an agoraphobic withe extreme hay fever.)
• I'd buy 3 houses and rent two of them out. (only if he has watched some kind of relocation TV show)
• I would have all gold teeth. (I loved this one because honestly imagine Leo Sayer with golden pegs)
• I'd make a film, not a porn film. I'm too old for that. but an art film like the shawshank redemption.
• I'd buy Tesco and that would show them

Now that last one requires some explaining. Another stigma my dad has is when he first discovered email he started emailing every complaint about everything to everybody. He once emailed the television show Dr Who and started the conversation dear Dr Who! then went on to ask if he ever considered carrying an actual screwdriver because of the issues he had with wood and his electronic device. He went into varied detail and even explained how to get a damaged screw out. The one day on my fathers journey through the information super highway he showed me an email he wrote and I just thought I would share that email with you now.

to: customer.service@tesco.co.uk

Subject: I thought every little helped?

Dear Tesco,
                I have been a customer of yours now for many years and I have always found you to be reasonable but as of late I have found you are no longer as customer driven as you once were. I have been buying your home brand teabags for a great deal of time and I was absolutely disgusted to realize that you have reduced the quantity from 18 to 16. I now lose two cups of tea for every 16 pence I spend. I demand an answer otherwise I will be shopping at Morrison's in future. Although they only offer 14 tea bags for the same price it is a question of taking the moral high ground.
Kindest Regards
Steve (blanked out) 

PS I have recently noticed your chicken nuggets have also shrunk in size is this a farming issue and will they return to normal size soon?

Now this is 100% real and serious. My dad was so disgusted that he did not get a reply that he has boycotted Tesco for 3 years! He still talks about this now and his disgust and is still planning a petition! only because he has now found a website you can build petitions on. 

I have found that the internet has only encouraged my father in his ongoing eccentricity and god help me he has already discovered online dating! need I say more. The section that says Tell us more about you he took to mean exactly that.

Tell us more about you.

Well my name is Steve, I was born in a small town outside of Birmingham called Great Barr. It was a wonderful place to grow up and as children we used to play out until all hours in the morning it was that safe. Lately though it has become very rough. You couldn't go out after dark now for fear of being touched up or mugged. When I was 15 we moved to another part of Great Barr because my dad got a new job which almost doubled his wages but he used to make me work with him on weekends and I didn't like that. It set me up for the real world though. When I was 18 I got married the first time (I've been married 6 times in total and all successful) we moved into a wonderful home, it needed some work, which I undertook myself and I also built a porch, So we could put the shoes in it. It was nice. In fact it was a lot nicer than the house I live in now although I am decorating at the moment. There was a sale on at Wilkinson and I only paid 2 quid for the paper. so I thought that's cheap and brought all of it even though I only needed 4 rolls. So if you need any Blue Liney wall paper let me know. I drive a car and I have never ran anybody over or had a serious accident so you can tell I am responsible. When all my mates were drink driving when I was younger I didn't join in but also I loved by the pub so I didn't have to drive. If you have any questions just send me a message. I am nice and not a killer or a vegetarian.

This was quite possibly the best thing I had ever seen anywhere on the internet and on that note I say dad! I salute you and your oddness! 

Five steps to trouble

Ok so as you can imagine I am not exactly a tongue swizzling charmer with the opposite sex. Saying that I have learnt my fair share and I have also made my fair share of wrong thing said at the wrong moment times. These are my top five life lessons of what definitely not to do.

1) Ok, number one is one that some young men out there will have only had slightly wrong dreams about doing but I implore you do not! Stop! Do not under any circumstance get inebriated with a friends mom whilst waiting for him to come back from college, notice that his mom is quite attractive and then proceed to make very slow, old and disgusting love to her. THIS DOES NOT GO DOWN WELL. consequently I was caught with my friends mother during the act of what could be defined as beautiful, but in this case I won't describe it that way. After being chased into his back garden I was hit in the face with a shovel and left with a broken nose and ego. I suppose I should count myself lucky that nothing was removed from my person whilst on the floor. Just do not go there. that friend is no longer a friend and I believe he still wants me dead.  A little dramatic if you ask me.

2) Under no circumstance take any drugs and carry a mobile phone. As previous readers have discovered in my younger years I experimented with narcotics and carrying a mobile phone only leads to trouble. The only other time I was arrested but never prosecuted if i may add was the time I had taken some lethal cocktail and incidentally I rang the police to report my camel had been stolen. They later removed me from the local railway station whilst scream.
"Have no fear Thomas the tank engine, I've stolen the fat controllers hat so he won't be in tomorrow"

3) Number three is an obvious one but I believe it destroyed my first relationship. Absolutely under no circumstance compare your relationship to Auschwitz! I went on to say that I saw her as "The Hitler" figure and I was being wrongly punished for things I hadn't done. Looking back had I used a better analogy it may not have caused the faecal storm that ensued. Ironically I am sure she used to leave the oven on, on purpose after that.

4) So growing up we all used to play games, a favourite of mine as a child was knock door run. For those of you who do not know what that is. It's where you taunt a local neighbour by knocking their door and running. My favourite victim was the man at number 87. He was mental, and I'm not talking a little crazy. This man used to carry a goldfish bowl with him everywhere he went and hoover his lawn! He was also 6' 4" and the size of a well built tractor. We used to knock and run every day for months until one day we upped the anti. We decided to cover his door entrance from top to bottom in strips of tape before we knocked, it was perfect. The moment finally came for the big knock he ran out as if he was waiting for us. Straight into the tape. He was insanely furious and this was by far the funniest thing I had ever seen. I was laughing so hard I forgot to start running by the time I realised I had to run it was almost too late. I turned and fell straight over a brick onto a piece of metal on the floor. I was in pain, covered in blood and quite frankly thought Mr 87 was going to feed me to his wife. Luckily he didn't he took me home where I had to go to the hospital with an angry father and have 4 stitches. lesson the nutty ones may provide the best laughs but also the most stitches.

5) Finally, to complete the list. If you do not want to annoy your parents and you are a creative 7 year old then I suggest you express your artistic nature in a drawing book of sorts. My parents had recently decorated my room in a full Teenage mutant ninja turtles theme. I was pretty much over the moon apart from the wall colour, it was a shade of blue only a sailor could like so I decided I would redecorate. I was faced with one small problem I didn't have access to paint. I waited until I heard my parents go to bed and thought (for some reason) this will surprise them! I will redecorate myself. They were more 'The angriest middle aged couple I had ever seen in my entire life' than surprised when they came to get me the next morning only to find that I had coloured in my bedroom wall (not walls) from corner to corner in crayola red. Yep I had stayed up all night and worn my complete red collection of Crayola Crayons down to the pure paper. I was told later that day that Santa was going to bring me nothing that year (my step mom) and my dad told me that the ghosts were going to watch me in my sleep if I didn't start behaving. I will be honest, I was more frightened of my dad's consequences rather than no presents 11 months later.