Never Fake a Fatal Illness

So we all get ourselves into sticky situations sometimes right? As you have probably guessed this happened to me a fair amount of times of the last 30 years. It isn't as if I go looking for trouble. Sometimes I have an honest heart and then all of a sudden a metaphorical bomb hits me and my sense of morality was thrown in the bin.

I have obviously been in many pickles throughout my life and I am talking about general life difficulty now, rather than my life and its series of unfortunate events. When I think about difficulties I really just think about one time. November 2005, I was 20 years old, fresh faced and cocky, in a relationship and just moved into a new house. Trouble was I couldn't really afford this house on my salary and really needed a second Job.

At this time in my life I was a chef and not a bad one, just catering didn't pay too well and I was terrible with finances. I knew I needed a second job but I had one of those moments where I stopped and thought, I know! I will get a job in IT, Basically because my dad thought I was a computer genius due to the fact I could copy and paste without using a mouse. So I decided it was high time I brushed up my CV to include some of my other acquired skills (I had literally just that moment acquired them)I embellished and polished some turds here and there and deleted every catering job, consequently replacing them all with mid-profile IT jobs at low end businesses. I distributed my CV to a few requestees on the job centre website and sat tight with disillusioned hope.

About 3 weeks later, to my absolute disbelief I had managed to pull off an interview. A letter sat waiting for me upon my return from the restaurant, it was from south Staffordshire water inviting me for an interview! This was it I thought! No more kitchen crap for me. Over the coming days, only having 5 to prepare, I prepared myself, practicing answering questions. I even brought a brand new suit and before I knew it the big day had arrived.

I remember the day so clearly and for reasons that will become obvious quite soon. I recall the smell of urine and weed on the bus and the sweat on my palms, before I knew it I was in a waiting room ready to be seen but feeling pretty calm at this point. I was called into the interview room, it was a large office quite dark and sitting opposite me were 3 sour faced middle aged gentlemen who infused fear and faeces together, pushed them up into my stomach along with my testicle and one grunted sit.

Now as far as my recollection to this goes the first 15 minutes of the interview went swimmingly, I remember saying to myself at one point.

“keep calm and don't mess this up and you've got this job”

All of a sudden a bomb shell and I am not talking a small bombshell, I am talking an A-Bomb falling directly onto my crotch! It started with this question.

“Tell us about ASP. NET”

Now the problem lay within. I had absolutely no chuffing idea what he was talking about. Now most people in this situation have only two options. Option one, Answer honestly that you don't know and hope for the best or alternatively, option two, make up an answer and hope for the best. Now I think even you yourselves can know that instantly I decided on option two but, do you know how we all have that little voice inside our head? Now do not get this voice confused with the one that told Ted Bundy to start collecting hammers. I am talking about that reasonable voice that offers little words of wisdom in our greatest times of need. Well my friendly voice, decided to poke in his big fat nose right as I was about to make up an answer.

“Psst, OI! Rob. It's me your rational side” I heard it say

my internal monologue responded

“What? It's kind of a bad time!”

it had no interest in how bad a time it was it proceeded

“Well, you know how you are thinking about making up an answer?”

“Yes” I excitedly said back

“Well, I have a third option, because if you make up an answer, you're going to look like an ass!” it said proudly

“Ok...let's hear it”

“Well, I want you to fake a stroke! You remember the advert”

now I remember thinking what an awful idea, but unfortunately whether or not I thought it was a bad idea or not I had already started to slur my speech, drool and allow my arm to start to fall. Oh my Christ!! What am I doing I thought! Trouble was I had started so I had to complete now. Think back to the advert.

F that was face, check. A That was arm, S that was speech. I started to slur and drool a little just to add some conviction. T oh crap, what was t. Then again that bloody voice.

“T throw yourself on the floor”

The next thing I knew, I was in the back on an ambulance, The interview panel were following behind. I had got myself into some situations but I am in an ambulance, pretending to be catatonic and it's quite difficult because at the moment I am being poked and prodded by two paramedics. When we arrived at the hospital I was subject to an array of tests and I had no shortage of support from what now seemed to be my best friends the interview panel and I needed to get out of here. Surely this has to be slightly illegal I remember deliberating. I had to pick my moment perfectly whilst still trying to fake having some weird sort of locked in syndrome but in reality, I still had a little panic in case these guys were just with me to see if I knew the answer to the question.

Two hours later, yes that's right I lay there for two hours! There was just one left. I heard the magic words.

“I am going to have a cigarette, but I will be right back”

He finally left the room, as quickly as I could I scooped up my shoes and darted for an exit. I ran like the wind, I ran and ran with a feeling of guilt and exhilaration. I finally found myself walk in the front door where upon I was asked just one question.

“Well, How did it go?” Lisa asked full of enthusiasm

the only response I gave was

“I didn't get it, I think I was over-qualified to be honest”