So you thought it would be a good Idea?

Hello friends of internet-land. Firstly I would like to apologise for my lack of digital presence. It has indeed been around 8 months of dwelling, self loathing and if I may be so bold as to mention I also released my ramblings onto the digital medium that is Kindle store. I now make my return to where it all began. The holy church of the Beardless Messiah.

So you thought it would be a good Idea?

The last year was somewhat a monumental disaster of sorts but dependent on your mind set it can be seen as quite amusing and certainly an improvement on two years ago! 

Take January 2014 for example, two years ago. Some may say I had a dark start to last year but the year before was far worse. At about 10:30pm on the 27^th January 2014, I stood on a bridge, full of Captain Morgans finest. I remember thinking to myself now this is going to be a good idea. You see I was going through a kind of “Cobain” stage. I couldn't get hold of a shotgun though, as cash generators in Walsall, don't really cut a prophet dealing arms. So I seriously thought about things and came to the conclusion, a bridge jump into the canal would be a wizard idea! Now, as you can probably guess, my attempt (as half arsed as it now seems) failed miserably. As I regress back to the moment, I realize I failed for two reasons. One, I only jumped from 18 feet. Two, I jumped ass first. I remember thinking to myself, there are only two possible outcomes to this situation. I will either die and be found by a tramp, then subsequently become his life spooning partner after he has stolen my shoes (this is genuinely why I removed my shoes first! In all of this I didn't want a homeless guy stealing them!) great to see I prioritize but I have always had a thing about people wearing my shoes. The second possible outcome will be, A failed attempt and this will hurt like absolute hell. I will tell you without delay. The second option was the winner and it wouldn't have taken a Monty Hall paradox expert to see that coming. The thing that I did not count on, whilst standing on the bridge edge, just about to jump, for some reason, singing Hall & Oates – Out of touch. Yet again not sure why, I just bloody love Hall & Oates. The thing I absolutely did not count on was what, at that point would be my final thought. Now when people do something stupid like this, because let's be honest it is dumb. People ask the same question. “What was he thinking?” I will answer that question now, the moment, the second I stepped off that bloody bridge and started to fall, that little bloody voice in my head, that we all have. Simply said. “You've changed your mind haven't you?” the answer to that question was “Yes, but you could have told me that before I jumped to prat!” Allow me to tell you this, if you've jumped already, changing your mind is kind of a pointless thing. I suppose you are thinking now, well it's ok, you can just swim out! Well yes! If I hadn't been a 29 year old, who can't swim (I didn't learn, because I am scared of piranhas!) The overall outcome was a bruised ego, what I thought was a broken ass or as I so eloquently put it at the time, my ass has gone all Christopher Reeves. I also broke my leg, which was and always has been incidentally screwed, now it's even worse. Most of the time I walk like a leper with a loose leg.

I think the most important lesson I have learned is simply this, life is precious and short enough as it is. So don't jump of a bridge and break your ass! If you do make rash decisions, make light of them when you come through them. You will come through them, life may be contaminated with faecal matter sometimes but smile! It could be worse, you could be related to Justin Bieber.

Confessions of an Inspiring Author

C90 A tale of two Sides

Days of Madness

www.confessionsofastrugglingauthor.com

     First and foremost this is not one of my usual blatherings of whatnotical nonsense but rather a show of support for somebody I have had the absolute privilege of meeting this year. I want to make a Martin Luther King like speech about how everybody should come together and visit the blog and buy his bloody books!

    This guy is hard working, modest, talented and unbeknownst to him a massive inspiration to me. I myself follow this blog with an eagerness and his work is not only stupendously hilarious but so true and honest it deserves to be noticed. both books have links above to purchase from kindle store and in limited edition made from very thin slices of white tree and bound in thicker slices with nice pictures on the front edition for all of you non digital people out there who love the smell of a good book! rather than smell one! read one...no actually read two! These two! I have heard that if you don't read them, that as all hallows eve nears, Bloody Mary will appear in your bathroom mirror and play hide the bible into your out! 

So basicall what I am saying is that this guy is a one of a kind, they say one person can't change the world....but look at Hitler. ok possibly a bad example, imagine a nice Hitler, without gas and the movember gone wrong. Ok forget Hitler... Ladies and gentlemen. James Josiah

"Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that."

Break Ups, Coco Pops and Tramadol

The Curly Locks of A Genius

Last night at ate cereal from a regular sized cereal bowl. I realize that this is a rather odd way to begin a new post but please do go along with it. As some may have realized I have been absent for quite some time. This is due to self loathing and meandering through life in what I like to refer to as “White guy woman depression” allow me to rewind a little.

It's Tuesday morning, I am not at work today, I open my eyes in a disappointing fashion and struggle to see the clock through my hazed Rum and Tramadol pained state and notice it's midday. Today I will make a choice, I will segregate myself away from the world and wallow in the self pity that I have yet again found myself in. First step I need to eat. In my barely functional mode I look to the kitchen and reach for the cereal. Problem one hits me in the face like Bobby Brown on a bender. I have broken all of the bowls and I have no way to eat my beloved cereal, or do I? In the hallway cabinet I have a brand spanking new washing up bowl, I couldn't could I? Well I only ask this question to myself now because I will be honest, I did. I filled that black plastic bowl of dreams to the very brim and glazed the dusty brown fruity goodness of fruit and fibre with a pint of milk, grabbed a bottle of rum from the kitchen work surface and made my way back to the sofa of dreams.

Two hours later I seem to find myself shoveling soggy cereal into my mouth, very inebriated, cloaked in a quilt, dressed in only my underwear and watching the notebook on Netflix whilst sporadically shouting at the television offensive nonsense. You see there are some of us out there who do not cope well with the departing of ways from a woman, I am not ashamed to admit I am one of them but I did myself become a woman in the process, not an actual woman may I add. I don't tuck anything between my legs and start calling myself Susan when I look into the mirror.

As usual I digress, now people say everything happens for a reason and these situations show up to teach us valuable lessons. Let me first start by saying, whoever “These People” are, you are all absolutely wrong you wrong and not just wrong but so wrong in fact, that you couldn't be more wrong if the international wrong club showed up at your house on a Saturday afternoon, with five of the finest wrongers and spelled the word wrong using their wrongly shaped freak bodies! The only lesson I have actually learned from this whole experience is that If I ever see Michael Cera in real life, I will find a plethora of offensive words and possibly beat him to death using one of his legs which I hope may become a separate entity to his body in a near fatal traffic accident!! I mean how is this guy even famous! Absolutely everything about him screams sex offender! This guy is a just a Neverland away from a court case!

I gradually find myself as time slowly moves on, not so much in a state of recovery and the 7 stages of grief just don't apply but more in the most complicated state, yet amusing now I regress and look back. Now being a sad, lonely Caucasian gentleman. First thing is first. I must create a playlist! Do not sit there and judge me! We all do this, music is great to set the mood and I needed the right mood. Rule one! Absolutely no soppy love songs! I remember yesterday whilst dining on coco pops skimming the music stations and Michael Bolton rearing his remarkable curly blonde locks, don't get me wrong Mr Bolton is one of those people you just empathize with, I remember in the midst of my milk turning really chocolatey thinking, you sing it Bolton, I feel your pain. This was possibly a turning point for me if I am honest. I think if you are sitting in your pants, drinking Rum and eating coco pops at 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon whilst having a conversation with Michael Bolton, you should also reconsider the direction your life is taking.

Now in the present day, I feel good. Well as good as somebody like me can feel I have a playlist of death metal and the best of the worst of 80's hair metal. I have stopped eating so much All Bran and thus stopped spending 6 hours a day in the WC. I haven't watched Chocalat in a while now and I have also decided to be an adult about things and forgive the person that totally ruined my life in every way and Allow her the somewhat displeasure of being my friend. Now I am left with only one small problem, I am a socially awkward 30 year old with no brain to mouth filter, I look a little like the love child of Crispin Glover and Adrien Brodie and now I have to do the dating thing again. I think I may be in trouble. On the positive side though, I am back and now there will be just no filtering...

The How to Guide For the Socially Awkward Part 5

             We have all experienced conflict in our time, whether it be with your partner or with a dopey cleft on the phone that can only speak in an indecipherable dialect. Arguing is a sore part of life that always has cause and effect. Lets look at what really happens shall we.


               When it comes to a relationship, an argument is a totally different kettle of fish. Let us primarily establish a point. There is only one valid side to an argument and that held by a XX chromosome. No matter how right you may think you are men, we are not. It doesn't really stop there though. The process is as such. You put your point across, for instance.
"You slept with somebody, whilst drunk! How could you?"
the response chain follows a specific pattern.
"I know, but I was very drunk and not thinking. Can't we get past this?"
At this point the response would obviously be "No!"
but then comes the killer.
"Do you not realise? I did it because of you! You never do things for me and the first time I make a mistake, I have to deal with the same question over and over again! This is why I slept with him"
You all of a sudden start questioning your initial statement and your judgement and eventually come around to thinking Ah, Maybe it was me, then you make the statement, a statement that is universally known  as the dynamite response, You light the dynamite and say.
"I see what you mean. I understand" now you are only half way through your sentence and BOOM!!!
"You are only saying that because you know you've done something wrong and want to shut me up!"
before you realise it the dynamite has gone off in your hand and you now look! Gary Oldman in Hannibal.
When you look back at this situation you can really learn from it, well some of us can. I am generally an irritating person so most of the things I say make my girlfriend want to poison my food.

             A common cause for arguments in modern relationship is that rather taboo subject. No not backdoor romance. Sex. That's right I said it! how uncouth of me. Now a man when attracted to a woman will probably want to perform the art of love making on a regular basis, I think it's hard wired into our DNA. It's not the same for a woman, they would much rather watch call the midwife and believe me when a woman watches call the midwife, I personally guarantee there will be no libido after that, you have more chance of urinating in somebodies pocket and convincing them it's raining. So when a man tries three tactics to entice a woman, he just aggravates her. The three tactics are as follows.

1. Trying to casually touch a private area whilst spooning.
2. Establishing the more passionate (Is it naughty time) goodnight kiss.
3. Finally the winky stab, Basically you jab away and hope she notices. For the record, she has noticed but and if you continue to do this, you will get the penance stare.

Avoid all of the above and that is going to save about 2 hours of arguments per week. I think though although these are completely none essential arguments, there are times when an argument is called for. These times are during phone calls to the lonely planet that is call centers.

From the moment we pick up the phone it takes 30 second to go from calm to fury. Firstly you have to find the person you want to talk to by pressing numerous keys and what really sets off a Michael Douglas style break down is the 'Please say what you are calling about' I got this option once and a computerized voice states.

"Please say the reason you are calling us today"

to which my response was clear and concise "Customer Service" after 30 minutes of hearing robot moron telling asking me.

"So you want to pay your bill?" and me screaming at the phone I eventually reached customer service to find I was 48th in the cue. 

Being the man I am I would not hang up! I stayed on the line. I had even forgotten why the hell I called but now I was in vendetta mode! When it came to actually speaking to a person and I got the usual.

"Thank you for calling TalkTalk my name is Gareth how can I help?" now take into account there was no clarity in what he actually said. This man sounded like a deaf person with  a mouth full of peanut butter. My Response was filled with complete nonsense and utter anger. 

"Oh, so you want to help do you? Well you can start by getting me a supervisor!" I said with an angered intent. The response was the norm.

"Well sir, I am Gareth and I am the supervisor of this desk, so how can I assist you?"

This is about how I continued, I will be honest because I was angry basically none of this was why I was calling.

"Let me tell you something, God of the desk! I have been on the phone for 40 minutes and by the way you will be reimbursing me for this call." I was interrupted.

"Sir, you have called an 0800 number so this call is free."

I continued, "Don't interrupt me with your smart arse comments! the amount of time I have been on hold is besides the point! My phone keeps on cutting off and the signal is useless. You are the most disgusting company on the planet and as an ambassador for them, you should be disgusted." now I drop the British favourite.

"I, my friend, will be writing a very detailed letter the consumer rights. I will make sure I mention you by name and I will not miss out any detail. Also whilst I am here I would like to let you know that the phone you have provided me with is absolutely useless, yet again that's no surprise given the rest of the service I receive from you lot!"

Another interruption. "Sir, I can see that from your account you have a Samsung Galaxy, we are TalkTalk not samsung."

I was infuriated by his correctness. "Don't you come at me with your semantics and witty remarks, you imbecile. I want you to do something about this and I want it done now! I cannot believe a company as established as your selves would employ mentally insufficient morons, like you Gareth. Whilst I am at it. Tell me why I have been to unsucessfully make phone calls from this pile of crap phone to know avail?"

Gareth and his sarcastic response..."Sir I can see that you are on the phone now, to me"

I was not impressed.

"Yes, well, yes that's not my point is it, you are the operator. I know what you are  trying to do! You are trying to snake your way out of this phone call in anyway your badly rehearsed script allows. Well no more" By this point I had started to make grand statements that made me sound like a drunk, failed Shakespearean actor. I continued.

"No More! I tell you. This situation my friend is one of easy resolution and I want you to resolve it or forever may your children be cursed." At this point, Gather got a little fed up and hung up on me....Man was I fueled by this. Now I wont drag this out but after I had repeated the same conversation once more. This time with a man called Darwin (I am not kidding) and wasted almost 2 hours on the phone. I finally remember that I had needed to speak to technical support and not customer service but I really enjoyed turning 50 shades of purple.

The How to Guide For the Socially Awkward Part 4

           We all enjoy the exciting feeling that travelling brings right? Well some of us do, sometimes when you look back on your relaxing holiday you quietly reminisce about laying on a beach or that couple who were your holiday pals. If you really stop and think though. It wasn't all that relaxing was it.

            If you are lucky enough to have found a holiday that hasn't required the remortgage of your house and the sale of your least favourite child, you eventually find yourselves ready to take flight. Now initially you will have passport panic about 50 times on the way to the airport and you've had the taxi driver reassuring you that not all planes crash, you will eventually be checked in and awaiting take off. The flight can be a traumatic experience for some. for example, smokers and people who get hungry but have left their wallet in their case. You then become the most irritating other half on the planet. I myself have found that I have moaned for 4 hours on a flight that I am hungry, so much so the person in front gave me a sandwich to shut me up and for those adventurous flyers out there who think it's a good idea to join the mile high club! Why on earth would you do this? You are 'doing it" in one of the most confined used toilet cubicles on earth. I mean have you seen Slumdog Millionaire? Those toilets are more hygienic!  

         So you are lucky enough to have landed safely and providing you haven't flown with monarch, you probably have your luggage too. You are in new uncomfortably hot county where nobody understands a word you are saying. So you now adopt the local dialect, this being English but said.........very............very............slowly. My dad once asked me to order him a coffee when we were away in Rome. so I put on a really bad super Mario style Italian voice and asked.

"Heya, Escuse... you giva me da cafe eh?"

turns out the barista was fully fluent in English and just thought I was a head mental child. She even gave me free Biscotti. You also as an adult maybe faced with my problem. Now I absolutely do not have a body to be seen topless, yet my girlfriend is one of those head turners. So I just kind of sit around in a t-shirt and shorts afraid of the beachy judgement.

         Whilst in a new country every day poses new challenge, The food being one i mean go to Poland look at a menu and think I will try the local cuisine. Once I thought I was getting experimental and ordered 'Kurtka sera ziemniaków i fasoli' when a cheese and bean jacket potato arrived I was pretty disappointed to say the least. 

Then you are struck with the thought of maybe I should embrace a little of the local culture. This in many places is an amateur mistake!

Once I was in Morocco and went into a shop to buy a fez, Do not judge I was young! Also I have a good egg shaped head which suits the shape of a fez. My first mistake was trying it on. I was forced to buy this fez as apparently in some places in Morocco, If you try, you buy. If you don't by I hold you hostage until you do buy. I'll be honest, I brought it. This is all part of the holiday experience which in my view is the least relaxing thing to do. Just go to Devon! It's the riviera of England and everybody kind of understand what you are saying.

      

The How to Guide For the Socially Awkward Part 3

               This my guide for the socially awkward for speaking to the opposite sex and how not to be in a relationship, I think I should initially say I don't see my self as some form of Casanova. In fact quite the opposite, more a Tosanova. I am awkward, I say things that when said in my head sound great and quirky. For instance.
"That dress is unique, you look like a fat Batman with breasts"
Apparently this is in no way funny to any woman and especially if they are slightly crazy. My brother once said something similar to his wife and he got hit in the face with an Xbox Console. It wasn't the 360 either. oh no! It was the original Xbox. I mean that made him look even more like shrek. I think we should go to the very beginning and work on the approach.

               Ok, so you see a woman/man that takes your eye and you want to make an initial engagement. So you now make the interaction but you have two options here. The smile or the wave. In my opinion the smile can be a mistake and you can look very weird if the prospective other person fails to make eye contact. People see you smiling in to space and you just look a little bit rapey. A rapey smiley can do a lot of damage so probably go for the wave. You now have waving options. do you go for a casual sort of Hey. wave? or do you go all out and perform the sanitarium wave. you know the one from the beginning of family fortunes. If you are lucky enough that the wave comes back then you can let out a normal, not to over enthusiastic smile. 


              Some time later you may see this person again in a corridor or standing in a pub, maybe you could approach. Time to say something charming. but STOP there is a difference between. "Sorry, you look familiar, do I know you?" and "You're giving me a lift home tonight princess" the first is normal, the second is just more than a fraction odd and 9 times out of 10 will make you look like a crazy person. Whilst in conversation, eye contact is something to think about, but don't stare directly into their eyes! That's weird. You will just look like you are trying to hypnotize them and people get a bit scared of starers. 

              Now chat up lines. Just do not even bother. I mean especially of you are socially inept. They just cause upset and will offend any person you say them too. Even a stupid jovial one like
“You are almost as beautiful as my sister. But well, you know, that’s illegal."
Things like this said to a woman, cause one thing the flick and walk, every woman has mastered the flick and walk. 

              So having mastered all of this and beyond all reason like me you manage to have a female lady in your life. You have to maintain the relationship. Get used to certain things be prepared to sleep very uncomfortably for the remainder of your life. Be prepared to of what is known as 'Tickly Head" where the woman takes your hand places it on her hair and growls until you play with her hair. Always remember that a compliment goes a long way and even though she is plotting your demise for at least 8 of her 10 waking hours, she will refrain from this if you are just a bit less of a dick. To finish this piece I have compiled a list of 5 things not to do to keep your relationship safe.

1. Do not put your toes in your partners nostrils whilst the are relaxing.
2. Do not compare their genitalia to an ex partner.
3. Never suggest a salad to a woman...they get tetchy about this.
4. Never imply that her monthly 5 day mood swing is in anyway related to her 'experiencing of technical difficulties.'
5. During an argument never stop, hold her boobs and squeeze whilst honking.

This was The How to Guide For The Socially Awkward on Relationships....Next time. It's Holidays

The Things That Haunt Us

                Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, It really isn't nonsense you know, I will tell you what it actually is! It's a word my father used to use as a get out of giving me pocket money clause. He used to add it to his silent fine print after I washed the car and mowed the lawn, he would then ask me to spell this out. I would never be able to and now one father pocketing my pocket money. Before I go to far, I don't want you to think this is me having daddy issues, I am getting to the point but as some of you know it takes me a while. 

              My pocket money was so valuable to me, growing up in the 90's we had things that were then the most amazing items a child could own. I for one remember my earliest obsession was the 1994 Merlin Premier League sticker collection. remarkably I hate football now, call me nuts but it all just seems too much effort. I mean there is picking a team to support, If I had to pick a team I would base it solely on there team emblem, Sounds nuts right. Manchester United - The Red Devil, an all powerful, mythological man, capable of remarkable things. Norwich - A Canary, lives in a cage and is distracted by it's own reflection in a mirror. Point proven? then you have to buy a shirt, learn songs, which incidentally I haven't had to do since my 'Give me oil in my lamp' of 1992. But the stickers they were a thing of playground excitement throughout the school. This is the only time in your life that coolness is based on the size of your visible pile. Every day was a day of dealing in the corner, striking deals for shiny stickers with your go to guy, but this was soon to become a thing drowned by the popularity of somethings else..

For those of you that don't know these are Pogs. that's right a large round spray pained circle of wonder. Pogs were absolutely amazing. I mean apart from the worlds least creative name (which I later discovered stood for Passion-fruit, Orange & Guava) and was named after a Hawaiian juice. I was torn to pieces, almost as much as when the green ranger left power rangers... Was I meant to say spoiler alert? anyway these bad boys sucked my pocket money like George Michael in a public toilet. I suppose in reality whilst I am typing this, I realise how obsessive Pogs actually were, I mean I ran Pog circles in the play ground. Imagine if you will bare knuckle boxing but with very angry children and in Matthew Whitehouse's cases very emotional (he got very teary when he lost in a game of winner takes the slammer) This got stopped by the crazy dinner ladies and before we knew it our Pog phase was done. 

We needed something new to carry us into high school. What would it be? Then it appeared. It wasn't something new, it was something old, yet remarkably improved but somehow still as shite......

This was it. It was back and this time it was all about the tricks baby, It was show time. There were days when we had 20 or 30 of the finest Yo'ers around practicing. I Had worked so hard rocking cradles and walking the dog. I, in my own head was a yoyo master. I knew what to do. I organised a Yo-yo competition and the teachers lapped it up. They gave us the hall and even offered to judge. I had just one week to prepare, so I developed a strict training regime. I even drank a raw egg and went for a run the day of the competition. Well, that helped Rocky win. 

The competition finally came and I was on stage, people cheering with every trick, one by one I could feel the room electrifying, it was time for my grand finale. Trouble was I hadn't practiced a grand finale but felt confident enough to go for the 'Around The World' trick. I down motioned fiercely, the YoYo started to spin and I yelled "Shall we go around the world?" the whole room cheered as i motioned forward. the Yoyo spun once, twice and thr...Oh fu... The yoyo at this point could take no more strain, still spinning and flashing L.E.D lights detached itself in the exact direction of Ms Gaton. 

Three days later, after ms Gaton had returned to work as the bruising around her nose and eyes had started to ease, We all had an assembly, in which we were told that YoYo's we now banned. This made me quite unpopular for a week or so but this was nearing the end of 1999 so I started spreading viscous rumours to the more docile kids about how the world would end and they would catch the millennium bug. After that the other kids just focused on crazy apocalypse Adam and friends and before I knew it the 90's were over and pocket money no longer existed. Unless I got a job......  

Oh and it took me three hours of repeating but I got my pocket money every week when I learned to spell Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, may be an evil word but it got me my pogs.